Roll on, Spring Rolls

Theo rolls his own spring rolls. I have, in fact, learned how to roll spring rolls, too. Quite an art. I’ll have to show you sometime.

When Theo gets to an order of spring rolls on an order ticket, he tells me to get them ready. I pull 'em out of the fridge and ask him - knowing the answer - if the deep fat fryer is ready.

"Not yet" is nearly always the reply. He opens the front of the beast and crouches down, turning knobs and fanning the air until the gas jets light up with a big whoosh and the quick fear of singed hair.

Ok, Theo, just let me know when it's ready.

A few minutes later I'll ask again, and he'll say yes, it's ready, probably without looking at it. I'll take the three spring rolls that compose an order and drop them into a basket, lower the basket, and grab a long metal skewer/poker that has a nice wooden handle. I don’t know what sort of implement this is, but it has one and only one use in Theo's kitchen. One, I should add, very important use.

I use it to poke the spring rolls.

I poke 'em because they float, and we don't want them to cook only on one side. So every time someone orders spring rolls, no matter how busy the place is, I drop whatever I'm doing to run over, grab The Implement, and poke at the spring rolls for a few minutes until they're done. Poke at 'em, roll 'em around, try to get them to cook evenly on both sides.

As a little game, I try to get each to float with its lighter side down. Each spring roll has a preferred side up (the light side, I presume), so when you roll it, it will tend to stop with the same side up each time, and that side will not cook as much as the other side. So I try to get each perfectly balanced on the light side. It never works for very long, but it makes the task marginally more interesting. Such a fantastic waste of time.

So, of course, I try to develop a more permanent solution to the problem. I am, after all, Takeout Lawyer.

Seems like I should be able to find something to weigh down the spring rolls, right? I finally find it, staring me in the face.

Theo, what if I take this other basket (there are two) and put it on top of the one with the rolls in it? That way, the top basket keeps the rolls completely under the oil.

"What? No, you be careful! You crush spring rolls! No, just use the stick."

Right, I'll crush those spring rolls between the heavy weight of the wire basket and the, uh, oil. Between a rock and the deep blue sea.

The next time Theo's buddy is around, I try again. I have found that Theo is more suggestible when the suggestions come from - or at least in the presence of - his buddy. I take advantage when I can. But even so, Theo doesn't really like the idea, in part I think, because it's harder to see the rolls when they're under the oil, cooking evenly. Fair enough.

But Takeout Lawyer, I hear you shouting, why not simply set the timer on the deep fat fryer? Experiement to find the perfect amount of time needed, set the timer for the rolls, and the problem is solved!

Great idea! The problem, however, is that Theo cannot seem to get a constant temperature on the fryer. Sometimes it's too hot, sometimes not hot enough. Often while trying to get the rolls to float on the lighter side, I mention to Theo that the temperature seems off, and he again opens the front of the fryer, crouches down, and fiddles with the knobs.

"Should be good now."

In yet another attempt to fight fate, I tried to determine what the problem with the fryer was. If we could get it to work right, maybe it would keep a constant temperature, we could cook the rolls by time, and it would be ok to submerge them. Ha! Brilliant! That law school eduation is really kicking in now.

So, Theo, what's the problem with the fryer? Perhaps we should get it fixed, or maybe I could take a look at it. I'm pretty handy, you know.

Theo thinks for a few seconds before answering. He then states "I can’t explain the problem to you." That’s pretty much a direct quote. "I can’t explain the problem to you."

Which means he can’t explain it to anyone else, I s’pose, so we’re, again, up a creek without a paddle. But with the poker/stick/skewer.