Press Any Key
Need to Batch! Press Any Key
That's what the credit card machine's little screen instructed its viewers to do when I arrived at work one day early on. Hey, Theo, what's up with the credit card machine? "Just push some button. It fine." Not satisfied to push just any key, I hit the enter key. That seemed safe. Enter is the action key, the go with the flow key, the don't rock the boat key. Unlike, say, the escape key, the cancel key. You know.
The screen went back to its usual display, something like "Account No." with an arrow or something - I never paid attention. Just followed the step-by-step instructions that Theo's buddy wrote up. Of course, the instructions weren't always right, but they were close enough.
The next time I looked at the machine was to run a credit card for a customer. At some point - just when remains a mystery - that same Batch screen reappeared. Shit! I clearly need to batch! But I also need to run a customer's card. So, again, I hit enter, and ran the card, just like normal.
At a slow period during the evening, I decided to respond to the needs of the machine. Why, you ask, would Takeout Lawyer start futzing around with the credit card machine when Theo was perfectly happy to just have me keep hitting any key to achieve normal functionality? For one thing, the machine kept insisting that Batch needed to be performed, and I presume the machine knows what it needs. For another, though this was a machine I'd never used in any manner other than that prescribed by Theo's buddy's instructions, I have a theory that says that things made for people to use are aimed at the lowest common denominator. That's why a camera comes with a 30-page instruction manual that you really don't have to read, and a pack of matches tells you how to strike one up. In other words, they make these things fool-proof, and Takeout Lawyer's no fool.
Hey, Theo. I'm going to try Batching this thing, ok?
Theories aside, I still didn't want to be responsible for screwing up the machine or the transactions already entered. If there's one thing I learned at the law firm, it was to cover my ass whenever possible by putting someone else on the hook (and to hide my identity whenever not possible).
Not that I had any freaking clue what Batching meant. But I found the manual (you guessed it - at least 50 pages long) and went to the section on Running a Batch. It didn't explain what Batching meant, but I forged on ahead. Almost immediately I ran into a problem. You'll not be surprised to learn that the manual is for a different model of machine. However, my theory held, and I was able to complete the Batch successfully. Reading the printout that the machine generated led me to believe that it had something to do with sending transaction information . . . somewhere, and clearing the machine's own local memory.
A few days later, Theo's buddy was there. He comes by almost every night to provide what I'm sure he believes to be help. More on that another time. He busied himself with the credit card machine, asked me what questions I had about it, and drew up a list of questions for Theo to ask the manufacturer the next day. A little while later, after he'd left, he called and asked me to add to the list of questions whether or not we take Discover. It was an idle question that I actually had, but one that would be easily answered by running a Discover card through to see if it worked. Theo's buddy asked me not only to add the question to the list, but also to walk Theo through the question. (When it comes to things outside his demesne, Theo is not what you'd call a details guy.)
Several days later, after Theo had failed repeatedly to call the manufacturer, after we'd lost tips because we didn't know how to add them to a bill, after me running Batches every once in a while as the machine demanded (and still not really knowing why), Theo's buddy took matters into his own hands, called the manufacturer, and got answers to the questions. Phew.
So, it's 11pm, I'm tired and wanting to leave, and Theo's buddy is insisting that I stay to hear the answers to all of our burning credit card machine questions. He keeps saying that he wants to get on with it so that he "can get [me] out of here," but he doesn't really make any move in that direction. I know that he's going to write up an index card with all of the instructions I'll need, but he seems to want me to receive the wisdom from him verbally.
The answer to my question of whether or not we take Discover Card was as follows (my thoughts in brackets):
"Ok, Takeout Lawyer (no, that's not what he called me), I asked this guy Robert who works for the company that makes these machines whether we take Discover Card or not.
[Already far, far too many words. It's late, you're keeping me here, I've already been paid, so I'm off the clock, and all you needed was four words AT MOST (We don't take Discover). Could've gotten away with as few as two (No Discover or, in the alternative, Discover? No.)]
As it turns out, the guy said that, with Discover Cards, if we want to take them, we have to pay these fees. There's like a setup fee, I think that's like $40, and then we'd have to pay a monthly fee, too, of like $20. I just don't think that
[What the flying fuck are you on about, dude? I don't give a crap about fees and shit. I just need a two-word answer here, man. You're wasting my sleep time. Hurry it on up!]
it's going to be worth it at this point to pay those kinds of fees just to take Discover. I mean, most people who have a Discover Card have wither a Visa or a MasterCard anyway, so
[Dude, this is fucking painful, man. I'm trying to show in a respectful and not incredibly impolite manner that I don't give a shit what you're saying right now and just want you to tell me the short answer and move on. Nope; can't think of a good way to do that.]
if someone tries to use one, just ask them
[I can see where this is going and, dude, I'm Takeout Lawyer; not a moron, ok?]
for a Visa or MasterCard, and I think that should be fine. At some point in the future when we're doing a lot more
[Christ, I will not be here in the future, ok? I'm concerned about what I need to know right now. And what I need to know right now is how the hell can I get you to piss off without, well, pissing you off.]
credit card transactions, we might rethink, but for now, Theo? I don't think we should be paying fees right now, right Theo?"
[Jesus, dude, just make the executive decision.]
It may have gone on longer, but I think I blocked it out.
At some point, when we were talking about how to enter tips into the machine - which is done in the Batching process, you'll be interested to learn - he said that he'd write up an instruction card, but wanted to tell me in person, too. Oh joy. I swear to God at some point, while he was babbling on about something particularly unimportant, he said: "I know this is all jumbled what I'm saying to you, but that's just how the words are coming out of my mouth right now so you'll have to bear with me." I'll refrain from comment on this.
After learning that we don't take Discover Cards, I decided to try to care about who actually gets paid the tips when people come in for pick-up (it happens once in a while). After a few misfires, Theo's buddy finally answered, well, I guess that Theo gets them, unless he decides that, because of the good service, the counter person should get them. Grumbles from the surly underling.
Even better, though, is that we have a cash register, but nobody knows how to use it.
No, that's not true. We all know how to use one button on it. The No Sale button. This opens the drawer so we can make change. Every time we hit it, the tape advances and prints something out, so we've got this long, curled-up strip of paper covered with meaningless printing repeated over and over and over. And absolutely no record of the cash we receive. I love it.
That's what the credit card machine's little screen instructed its viewers to do when I arrived at work one day early on. Hey, Theo, what's up with the credit card machine? "Just push some button. It fine." Not satisfied to push just any key, I hit the enter key. That seemed safe. Enter is the action key, the go with the flow key, the don't rock the boat key. Unlike, say, the escape key, the cancel key. You know.
The screen went back to its usual display, something like "Account No." with an arrow or something - I never paid attention. Just followed the step-by-step instructions that Theo's buddy wrote up. Of course, the instructions weren't always right, but they were close enough.
The next time I looked at the machine was to run a credit card for a customer. At some point - just when remains a mystery - that same Batch screen reappeared. Shit! I clearly need to batch! But I also need to run a customer's card. So, again, I hit enter, and ran the card, just like normal.
At a slow period during the evening, I decided to respond to the needs of the machine. Why, you ask, would Takeout Lawyer start futzing around with the credit card machine when Theo was perfectly happy to just have me keep hitting any key to achieve normal functionality? For one thing, the machine kept insisting that Batch needed to be performed, and I presume the machine knows what it needs. For another, though this was a machine I'd never used in any manner other than that prescribed by Theo's buddy's instructions, I have a theory that says that things made for people to use are aimed at the lowest common denominator. That's why a camera comes with a 30-page instruction manual that you really don't have to read, and a pack of matches tells you how to strike one up. In other words, they make these things fool-proof, and Takeout Lawyer's no fool.
Hey, Theo. I'm going to try Batching this thing, ok?
Theories aside, I still didn't want to be responsible for screwing up the machine or the transactions already entered. If there's one thing I learned at the law firm, it was to cover my ass whenever possible by putting someone else on the hook (and to hide my identity whenever not possible).
Not that I had any freaking clue what Batching meant. But I found the manual (you guessed it - at least 50 pages long) and went to the section on Running a Batch. It didn't explain what Batching meant, but I forged on ahead. Almost immediately I ran into a problem. You'll not be surprised to learn that the manual is for a different model of machine. However, my theory held, and I was able to complete the Batch successfully. Reading the printout that the machine generated led me to believe that it had something to do with sending transaction information . . . somewhere, and clearing the machine's own local memory.
A few days later, Theo's buddy was there. He comes by almost every night to provide what I'm sure he believes to be help. More on that another time. He busied himself with the credit card machine, asked me what questions I had about it, and drew up a list of questions for Theo to ask the manufacturer the next day. A little while later, after he'd left, he called and asked me to add to the list of questions whether or not we take Discover. It was an idle question that I actually had, but one that would be easily answered by running a Discover card through to see if it worked. Theo's buddy asked me not only to add the question to the list, but also to walk Theo through the question. (When it comes to things outside his demesne, Theo is not what you'd call a details guy.)
Several days later, after Theo had failed repeatedly to call the manufacturer, after we'd lost tips because we didn't know how to add them to a bill, after me running Batches every once in a while as the machine demanded (and still not really knowing why), Theo's buddy took matters into his own hands, called the manufacturer, and got answers to the questions. Phew.
So, it's 11pm, I'm tired and wanting to leave, and Theo's buddy is insisting that I stay to hear the answers to all of our burning credit card machine questions. He keeps saying that he wants to get on with it so that he "can get [me] out of here," but he doesn't really make any move in that direction. I know that he's going to write up an index card with all of the instructions I'll need, but he seems to want me to receive the wisdom from him verbally.
The answer to my question of whether or not we take Discover Card was as follows (my thoughts in brackets):
"Ok, Takeout Lawyer (no, that's not what he called me), I asked this guy Robert who works for the company that makes these machines whether we take Discover Card or not.
[Already far, far too many words. It's late, you're keeping me here, I've already been paid, so I'm off the clock, and all you needed was four words AT MOST (We don't take Discover). Could've gotten away with as few as two (No Discover or, in the alternative, Discover? No.)]
As it turns out, the guy said that, with Discover Cards, if we want to take them, we have to pay these fees. There's like a setup fee, I think that's like $40, and then we'd have to pay a monthly fee, too, of like $20. I just don't think that
[What the flying fuck are you on about, dude? I don't give a crap about fees and shit. I just need a two-word answer here, man. You're wasting my sleep time. Hurry it on up!]
it's going to be worth it at this point to pay those kinds of fees just to take Discover. I mean, most people who have a Discover Card have wither a Visa or a MasterCard anyway, so
[Dude, this is fucking painful, man. I'm trying to show in a respectful and not incredibly impolite manner that I don't give a shit what you're saying right now and just want you to tell me the short answer and move on. Nope; can't think of a good way to do that.]
if someone tries to use one, just ask them
[I can see where this is going and, dude, I'm Takeout Lawyer; not a moron, ok?]
for a Visa or MasterCard, and I think that should be fine. At some point in the future when we're doing a lot more
[Christ, I will not be here in the future, ok? I'm concerned about what I need to know right now. And what I need to know right now is how the hell can I get you to piss off without, well, pissing you off.]
credit card transactions, we might rethink, but for now, Theo? I don't think we should be paying fees right now, right Theo?"
[Jesus, dude, just make the executive decision.]
It may have gone on longer, but I think I blocked it out.
At some point, when we were talking about how to enter tips into the machine - which is done in the Batching process, you'll be interested to learn - he said that he'd write up an instruction card, but wanted to tell me in person, too. Oh joy. I swear to God at some point, while he was babbling on about something particularly unimportant, he said: "I know this is all jumbled what I'm saying to you, but that's just how the words are coming out of my mouth right now so you'll have to bear with me." I'll refrain from comment on this.
After learning that we don't take Discover Cards, I decided to try to care about who actually gets paid the tips when people come in for pick-up (it happens once in a while). After a few misfires, Theo's buddy finally answered, well, I guess that Theo gets them, unless he decides that, because of the good service, the counter person should get them. Grumbles from the surly underling.
Even better, though, is that we have a cash register, but nobody knows how to use it.
No, that's not true. We all know how to use one button on it. The No Sale button. This opens the drawer so we can make change. Every time we hit it, the tape advances and prints something out, so we've got this long, curled-up strip of paper covered with meaningless printing repeated over and over and over. And absolutely no record of the cash we receive. I love it.
posted by Takeout Lawyer at 10:13 PM
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